Dear Jiaxin,
>2005-09-15 - 8:24 p.m.
Hi. I've got something new to say. I've actually taken it from an email to Jiaxin, because I just felt I had to share it with everyone. I've taken some parts out though, but it's only one or two lines. And I've edited some parts for easier reading. Oh and if you read this entry, please also read the previous one.
"Dear Jiaxin,
Sorry this is so quick. But haha! Guess what. I've come back into the presence of God. I'm so happy. Guess where it happened. In the toilet! While I was showering. God must have been washing away my old spirit. Hahaha. In the toilet I was singing along to this song(it's right at the end of this email). Before I went to shower, I was updating my diary, talking about my sis and what she wrote on her own blog. She talked about God, and why she felt that He showed her grace because she was not run over and her limbs are intact. This is especially so because the place where her accident occurred was a blind spot. Meaning that cars coming from behind would find it hard to see her. And when I read what I wrote after I wrote it, I just cried. It was different from the other times because the tears just came so naturally. In the past, I always tried to make myself cry because I wanted to find release and also because I felt bad that I didn't feel bad. Praise God.
Anyway. In the toilet I was singing along to this song. Everything fit in. All the words I sang, I truly meant. Just like in festival of praise. Joy in my salvation in Him. Peace in knowing that my future is sealed. Strength and hope that He gives to me to run the race. The lamb that was slain so that we no longer have to give Him burnt offerings to cleanse us from our unholiness. Grace that blows all fear away because I know that ALL my sins are washed away. Sins I committed in the past, present and future. And grace that blows all fear away because I know that even if I were to see a ghost and die of a heart attack, my future would still remain the same (sorry this sounds so weird but I really thought of that in the shower). Just like you(Jiaxin) wrote in your blog(linked). Really. Everything is so true to me. I could just go on but I think you get my point. I felt quite regretful when I had to stop singing to brush my teeth. Haha.
Wow. All these things in just one name - the name of Jesus.
All this happened when I tried thinking of how I could reach out to my sis, like whether I should ask my other sis to invite her to church instead, because she might feel more comfortable there because there would be familiar faces. And I thought of how she said she felt so at peace in nature, and then I thought of my favourite verse about our smallness.
When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have set in place, What is man that You are mindful of him? The son of man that You care for him?
Psalm 8:3-4
Haha Jiaxin, I'm really so happy. I'm bursting. Exploding. So happy I could almost cry. God has heard my cry. What a great God I serve.
And I thought of my sister. And how He could have taken her life away at any time if He so chose to. She didn't even have to be riding a motorbike if He wanted it to happen. And yet she's still here, after her accident. There must be a purpose behind it. Just like my mom's passing definitely had a purpose. I want her to come back to God. And I know that my sister's doubts come from satan. That he is trying to shake my faith in God. That's the way I felt when I read what my sis wrote about how if He were God, He wouldn't have let my mother suffer. And I realised that even though I wonder why my mom had to suffer too, that I had to leave it to God to fight the spiritual battle. It was not something for me to meddle in.
I think I've developed a different attitude. I'm not so mindful of people and things anymore. Even though somebody does something offensive or something that I don't really like, or there's somebody who is just plain queer, I've learnt to take it all in my stride and just accept it. I adopted this motto which I thought of whenever I felt peeved - It doesn't hurt to be nice. And I really felt better. Not so bitter.
Haha, this is something new for me. I always thought that I had to be in church to feel this way. I feel so close to and so loved by Him. I feel this way even as I'm typing this very sentence.
Actually there are so many things I want to say. My mind is zooming now. Going so fast. Haha. But I think I've managed to capture my spirit in this email. Thank you for your encouragement.
If I die at this moment, my only regret would be the lives that I failed to bring to Christ.
Jesus, what a beautiful name.
Son of God, Son of Man,
Lamb that was slain.
Joy and peace, strength and hope,
Grace that blows all fear away.
Jesus, what a beautiful name.
Jesus, what a beautiful name.
Truth revealed, my future sealed
Healed my pain.
Love and freedom, life and warmth,
Grace that blows all fear away.
Jesus, what a beautiful name.
Jesus, what a beautiful name.
Rescued my soul, my stronghold,
Lifts me from shame.
Forgiveness, security, power and love.
Grace that blows all fear away.
Jesus, what a beautiful name.
Love,
Dee