past, present and future
>2005-08-18 - 3:59 p.m.
hi..i feel like i've been gone for such a long time. today i spent almost the whole day doing up this new layout. i kept getting pissed off because it wouldn't work out the way i wanted it to.. then i realised that i had made minor mistakes with major consequences.
in the morning my family and my uncle went to collect my mom's ashes. it fit nicely into the urn we bought her.. it's actually this really sweet vase with two cats on the front leaning on each other in the moonlight..my sis made a lid for it last night. we're keeping her ashes at home now.. but i do hope that in the future my sisters would be willing to place her remains in a columbarium..i would really prefer it. it would be hard deciding who should keep them when we all go our seperate ways. and i feel it would be better if they were kept on neutral grounds rather than in one of my sister's home. sometimes i feel that there's a big divide between me and my sisters. they just go about doing things and i don't know what's going on.
although reality has sunken into my head, i think it somehow hasn't sunken into my heart. or maybe it's just that i feel her presence everyday. or maybe i don't feel that bad because it wasn't such a sudden thing.
whatever it is, i believe that this is for the better. i don't know what God's plans are, but i know that he loves her and he loves me and that he's in control. a 100% faithful and a 100% good God. i feel rather immature writing all this, like i'm some sort of attention seeker. i hate to think of myself that way.
anyhow, i'd like to thank those who came down to the wake. i'm really touched.. especially with my classmates. i really didn't think anyone would come down..and i didn't mean it as an offense. i know eugene was behind it. and rennie as well. and pony. it was sweet. and it doesn't mean that i don't cherish and appreciate you if i don't mention you. thanks for the chicken biscuits, and the chocolates, and the shawl, and the letters/cards, and your hugs, and your well wishes; thanks for making your way down half way of half way across singapore (that makes a quarter, dimwit :P ) to be there for me. and almost the whole canoeing team was there- just 2 were missing. that was great. thank you.
actually i was rather shocked when some church people that i had never seen before or didn't even exchange greetings with came down. somehow i didn't really have the mood to listen when my pastors went in a round asking the same question to each person. but thanks anyway. at least it was for the sake of fellowship :) and thank you to those who tried to be there for me everyday. thank you. so much. ;)i'm not going to let this bring me down. i'm gonna let it drive me and i'll grow in every area. and i'll soar and excel. not by my strength, but by God's.
Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."